people of the world, unite ! it's bob and david !
( Audience applauding )
Thank you very much !
Thank you !
We have a great show For you tonight.
Uh, but first We have a special Guest with us.
Yeah, that's right-- Our daughter.
Come out here, Superstar !
Come on !
Daddy !
Aww.
( Audience applauding )
Isn't she Great, folks ?
Hey, kids are our Future. I just made That up, just now.
Yeah, we're gonna Raise her right.
Yeah, with lots of Love and listening.
Hey, show them how You tap, superstar.
Tap your way Into their hearts.
Oh, look at Her go !
Yeah !
( Audience applauding )
Oh, she is going To be so, so Well-adjusted.
I know i won't Make the same Mistake with her
That my mom Made for me--
You know, makin' Me fight for Attention and all.
Hey, david. You Want a flashback About that ?
( Audience laughing )
( Harp glissando playing )
Hey, little davie ! Look at you ! Ha !
Ain't ya the Cat's pajamas ? Look at him go !
Yoo-hoo ! There's Someone up here, Too, you know.
Oh, honey-- Oh, look, He's droolin'.
Oh, drooly, Drooly, drooly !
So--so what ?
I can drool Better than the Dumb baby !
( Audience laughing )
Oh, come on, Honey !
That's no way for A dame to act !
Piss on it !
Heh-heh, sweetheart, Language !
This family sucks !
Heh-heh, honey, It's the '20s.
( Audience laughing )
Suck my dick !
Annie !
( Baby crying )
Sugar plum ! Baby drawers ! Edsel woman !
Ahh.
So you can see, bob, It's pretty clear why I came out the way i am.
Yeah. Knees up !
( Audience applauding )
So, bob, what's Your excuse ?
Well, i, too, was driven Into this business By my parents,
But for different Reasons, david--
Financial ones.
( Harp playing )
Hey, little bobby, Time for bed.
I'm not tired !
Oh, i bet you fall Asleep by midnight !
I don't wanna Bet anymore !
C'mon honey, It'll give you a Chance to break even.
C'mon, pal. How Much you bet me ?
$5 zillion !
$5 zillion, You're on !
C'mon, midnight !
Hello, sweet 12 ! C'mon boxcars !
Give it to me, Snoozy ! Give me Some "z"s !
( Audience laughing )
( Harp playing )
Yowza ! This Isn't your game !
11:06 ! You went Down, my friend !
( Both ) Da win ! Ha ha !
You now owe me And your mother
$50 million octillion Gazillion !
We're rich !
( Both laughing maniacally )
( Harp playing )
And, uh, well, david, That's my story.
I ended up owing my Parents so much money,
That the only way I could pay them back
Was to get a High-paying job in Show business...
Which i'm still Looking forward to.
Hey, when did you Grow that moustache ?
A few weeks ago, I started, yeah.
But, superstar, You're never gonna Have those problems !
As long as you Keep tapping !
Tap ! Tap !
C'mon, i wanna See sparks fly !
Tap ! Go, go, go, go ! Let's go !
Knees up ! Put a hole in that stage !
Let's go ! Tap, tap, tap !
( Harp playing )
And that's my flashback.
That's why i'm so Screwed up, 'cause Of my 2 dads--
Bob odenkirk And david cross ! Dick lickers !
Superstar, Let's go !
All right, Bitch, shut up, Ya fuckin' asshole !
Oh, what precious Little darlings !
How old Are they ?
This one's 24 months, And this one's 8 months.
How old Are yours ?
This one's 1056 Months, and this One's 1072 months.
( Groaning )
Shut up !
Tap ! Tap away !
Shut up !
They're the reason I'm like this,
Because i was Deprived shitless !
I'll tap on your brain, You son of a bitch !
My parents were very Thoughtful and warm
And stable, and That's why i grew up
To be an accountant.
I want better for her.
We're teaching Mr. Weathers to
Deprive his daughter Of just the right things.
That way, his Daughter can grow up To be a doctor,
An astronaut, Even president of The united states.
( Audience laughing )
We're depriving our son Of attention for those First few months,
And then we will Be unfairly Rewarding him.
And i'm mothering Him too much.
This will confuse His sexuality.
You're going to Become a famous Southern playwright,
Aren't you, boy ? Aren't you, cole ? Aren't you ?
I was raised In a log cabin,
And my family moved Frequently, plus...
My father touched My butt hole.
That's why i'm On your penny.
My father touched My butt hole.
This made me thirst For knowledge.
Hey !
( Audience laughing )
My father touched My butt hole.
( Giggling )
( Audience laughing )
( Announcer ) berlin, 1938...
hitler reveals to a stunned nation
no one had ever touched his butt hole.
( Audience laughing )
If we work Together, people,
We can return america To her god-given glory.
America first !
( All ) America first.
Ok...
( Audience laughing )
Here's what-- This is what america Is gonna look like
After the mandatory Relocation is enforced.
New york city will Become known as
"Little israel."
I figure all the jews Will love that.
Is that ok, Ms. Shapiro ?
That's fine, ken.
Ok, now, down here Is gonna be your "New africa."
See, your coloreds Keep to that.
Uh, ken,
I don't see Virginia there.
Oh, well, chris, That was going to be Part of "homorabia,"
Which is over--
See, them homos Get to sodomizin'--
Yeah, i'd kinda like To be by the beach.
Well, ok. I guess, I guess the coloreds Can have virginia, too.
We'll annex that--
Ah, ken, ken, ken.
( Audience laughing )
Where's Homorabia now ?
Well, josey, I was gonna give it-- Oh, i guess we could--
How 'bout mississippi ? That's good.
Ken, you had promised The west coast ?
Well, yeah, but i'm Gonna need that For "new new delhi,"
For them damn Indians.
Where will You go, ken ?
Well, hell if i know, Rejit. I mean,
You know, i was Going to be over here,
But the gay's got it, So i guess i'll annex This, move this over,
And make-- I'll be here, with the Rest of the white race
In "new america" !
Will you Keep in touch ?
Of course I will, rejit.
You've been a dear Friend, and i'll Miss you terribly.
All of you, ok ?
Let's all promise To call and Write often !
And use the Internet for once ! E-mail !
I'll get a web-page Site going.
Ok, but let's Stay focused, People.
Ok, now our next act Will be called "Operation hell on earth."
This is it, people, The time has come.
The cleansing rain Is nigh at hand !
The cleansing rain !
Ok, um, now,
"Operation hell On earth" will Consist of placing
A 300 pound Homemade bomb in A rented van
And explode it at An undisclosed Location.
Now, ms. Shapiro, You've got the Explosive plastiques.
Oh, i'm sorry, ken, I didn't have Time this week,
I was preparing for The yeshiva festival.
Oh, i Understand. Ok.
I can't believe this ! Ken has time for you !
That's ok, rejit.
No ! I seem to remember 2 weeks ago, when your Car broke down,
Ken drove you Around for a week Like a chauffer.
I'm sorry, i was Knitting the chupahs.
I don't care ! Listen, everybody,
This is ken's one thing, "Operation hell on earth," The victory of the white race.
You know ? Let's Make it happen !
Ok, thanks, rejit.
I'll pick up The explosives, ok.
Uh, now, john, you Rented the van--
Uh, i didn't Get around to it.
I don't Believe this !
Ken gets around To helping you Every 2 minutes
When your basement Floods with that damned Sump pump of yours !
You know ? You have Time for calling ken,
But you don't have time For calling to lend The stupid van !
Well, soon, rejit.
Soon ? Soon, You're a balloon !
( Audience laughing )
All right, rejit.
Hey, ken, i had an idea On the van thing.
Well, it's about The bomb, actually,
Because that Will wreck the Van, right ?
So let's do this-- Let's get a recording
Of a loud boom, Play that over Some speakers,
And then Scatter debris.
Then it's like an Explosion, But the van's ok.
I like that.
Hey, suggestion-- Make the debris biodegradable For the environment's sake.
Yeah, but--
Also, let's make sure That it's after 8:00,
So that none Of our supper's Are disturbed.
Right, and could We keep the Speakers low ?
Ok, y'all--
You know, maybe It shouldn't be A boom at all.
Maybe it should Be a song--
you really dropped a bomb on me By the gap band, or--
Oh, right ! Just a suggestion !
Or something By billy ocean.
( Snapping fingers )
* Caribbean queen *
( All chattering )
Ok, fine.
We'll play caribbean queen
At 8:00 from A rented van.
Oh, um, 8:15. We eat late.
Ok, 8:15.
Well, there's "Operation hell on earth."
Whatever.
Yeah.
We did good.
Oh, what's Wrong, ken ?
Oh, i just wanted An explosion Is all, rejit.
Oh, i'm a failure ! This ain't a proper Hate group.
Y'all don't Hate nobody.
Yes, we do !
We hate ! We hate !
No, rejit, No, you don't.
See, you got to Be taught to hate, It don't come natural.
You know, i mean...
I may be a good hater...
But i sure am A lousy teacher.
( Audience laughing )
In fact, the only thing I really hate right now...
Is me.
( Audience laughing )
Ken, no, Come back ! Ken !
I guess That's it then.
Ok, so now let's talk About the chocolate Sale and fun fair.
No, we're not going To talk about The chocolate sale
And fun fair !
We are going to Go through With this.
That man is The greatest man I have ever known !
We are going to go Through with "operation Hell on earth" for ken !
For ken !
( Billy ocean ) * caribbean queen
* now we're sharin' the same dream *
* and our hearts can beat as one *
( Audience laughing )
* no more love on the run *
* caribbean queen
* now we're sharin' the same dream *
( Announcer ) the world held hostage-- day one.
one has to wonder how much of this we can all take.
Once again, it seems As if the inmates
Have taken over The asylum. Glen...
Terry and rod...
Bill, superstar...
Burton...
Famous mortimer, I.P. Freely...
Bo-bo, sleepy...
Charlene, Freddy...
Tex-mex...
Deltoid, from The planet Homunculus...
The american dream...
Heywood yablowme.
You're probably Wondering why i called You all here today.
Your mother and i Are getting a divorce.
I...
I know, it's tough. It's tough On all of us.
There's no reason For people to stay Together when...
( Sighing )
Maybe i could've been More of a companion to Your mother, and maybe...
Been there more For her, but...
That's all water Under the bridge now.
But such is our world. When we return,
The president testifies Before a senate Subcommittee,
And i found my keys.
With more on how I found my keys, Here's channel 7's
Brick sprickly. Brick ?
This is brick sprickly For lucky 7 news.
number 7 in the community for over 7 years.
Boy, that divorce Is gonna screw them Kids up somethin' awful.
That's too bad.
You know, you gotta Put the kids first.
That's my moral In this job-- Kids first.
Andre, stay in school.
All right.
You get to know the boys, And that's good.
Yeah, you know. I tell ya.
It's a good feelin'.
Some of these kids, I'm like a surrogate Father to 'em.
Others, i'm more Like an aunt.
2 boys, i'm legally Recognized as A great-aunt.
You know, and that's A good feeling.
( Whistle blowing )
* recruiters
( funky music playing)
* recruiters *
( Carter ) there's one kid in particular i've had my eye on.
young will hawkins.
he's 5 years old.
( Audience laughing )
i guess ty has the same idea.
Well, ok, you know, I don't have the money
That a Carter blanchard's got.
I'm not with lafonte, I'm not with loyola.
I'm with indiana basin Silt college.
We have 2 buildings,
And we play outdoors.
But we mean well.
You're nba Material. You are.
You got it Goin' there.
I'm tellin' ya. You got a future.
You decide what Your route's Gonna be.
Come to indiana, Or you freeze your Butt off in, uh, chicago.
Oh, yeah, 'cause-- 'Cause indiana's hot All year round.
( Ty ) yeah, i guess we're both tryin' to sign will, you know.
That's what's So great about
Indiana basin Silt college, All right ?
Because we got Majors in Everything.
Well, have you Declared a major Yet, will ?
What you wanna Be when you Grow up, son ?
A fireman.
Fireman ! Bingo ! Well, we've got a Great 2-year degree
To become a fireman Or a policeman,
Or you could Become an astronaut
Or a cowboy. We've got a 2-year Cowboy degree.
I understand you're Talking to somebody Tomorrow.
Yeah.
Who are you Talking to ?
You talking to The guy from lafonte ?
( Father ) That's right.
Is it carter ? Carter blanchard, He's a fast talker.
You gotta watch Where he's coming from,
He's a magician.
You know, he says one thing And his hands are over here,
Watch his hands.
Here i come, And i'm bearin' gifts.
I brought along some Tokens of gratitude,
To show you guys My gratitude.
What we got here ? For mom, some slippers. Lafonte slippers.
You wear those On your feet and Around the apartment.
And, dad, what Have we got for you ? It looks like
A lafonte university Vest. I feel Like santa claus.
And for little Will, i got The little man
The little Lafonte ball.
And, uh, for The family, homemade Potato soup, ok ?
Mom, this is about What's best For will, ok ?
Now, i know you're Gonna be seein' other People from other schools.
The man from Indiana basin...
Silt. Silt. He was here.
Oh, mr. Keenan.
Yeah, good man. Good man, mr. Keenan.
Small school, No accreditation, But a good man.
See, mom, lafonte sees Will as more than A basketball player.
Because we think That will's got The potential
To not only be a Professional basketball Player, but also,
President of The united states And a movie star.
Hey, you hear that ? A movie star !
And a reverend, Too, possibly.
Don't quote me On that one, 'Cause i don't...
( Audience laughing )
Right, yep, Right there.
Yep, and that'll hold Will for 14 years.
You don't... Ok.
And, will, If i can get you To sign that for me.
Declare your intent Right there.
Right where poppa Put his old "john henry." There you go.
Will, congratulations, You're a blue deacon.
Now, how about We all enjoy...
Some soup.
( Grunting ) Ha, ha !
Whoo !
That's Potato soup.
i made it personally.
i've got to get the jump on the big schools, you know.
so i'm chasing younger and younger kids.
it's kind of hard, you know.
You leanin' towards Indiana basin ?
And, the, uh, The full program, We're a...
Full 2-year Program still, uh...
All the things we Were talking about--
Suckers and toys, And, uh, and all that I promised to you.
Well, ok, He's obviously-- He's going to cry now.
And i pushed him. And, you know, i've Been here 3 times.
And i thought, you know, You might be ready To make a choice.
But, uh, well, He's got a Thoughtful look.
He's got the Gemini t-shirt.
He's all tired.
Hey, you got The shirt. And, Uh, that's all...
I've said all I can say.
And i thank you. All right, i'm Gonna cry, too.
Goodbye, ok.
( Ty ) i like bein' the underdog, but it's hard.
I'm just checking Your baby's ankles.
Seein' if he's got A good kick, you know ?
Kick for what ?
Oh, basketball. If he's got a Hook or a jump.
Basketball ?
Can i just feel ?
No.
Geez, ty, what was The name of that kid,
One kid from East detroit,
Got in that pickup Game, had that Stop-and-pop shot.
You know, the Kid with...
What's wrong ?
Ty ? What are You doin' ? What's wrong ?
I've been... I've been thinking About quitting.
What ? What are You doin-- what are You talking for ?
I can't do It anymore.
What are you Talking about ? Come on.
I don't want them To see this.
W-well don't cry. Take some crackers.
I'm just going To get out of Here, and, uh...
This is a rotten, Rotten deal.
I'm thinking about Running away
From my Grandma's house.
Ty, come on, ty. I'm sick of living there.
I'll just take a bag, A sleeping bag,
And i'll just run As far as i can,
And i'll find food Wherever i can.
I don't like you Talking like this.
Come on, this Is craziness.
I'm out. I'm out. I'll pay my bill later.
I'll take care of it. I'll send you money by mail.
No, don't send me... No-- Where are you going, ty ?
Look at that, see ? That's what this job does.
Look at him ! Look At this, would you ?
( Audience laughing )
All right, listen to this.
"Dear will hawkins,
"We regret to inform you That you are being dropped
"From the Athletic program.
"You're family is invited To in--keep--am--my...
"Or any and all Complimentary gifts awarded While in the program.
"However, a representative Will be stopping by
"To pick up The potato soup.
"Sincerely, carter blanchard, Athletic representative."
See that ? See that ?
See, that's because you Was a ball hog, see ?
Shootin' the Ball too much.
You're a point guard, You're supposed To distribute.
It's your fault, And you're just Sittin' around
Eatin' chocolate And gettin' fat...
Conditioning.
( Audience laughing )
Could've been something.
( Harp playing )
"could've been something."
"Could've been something."
And there's my story.
My father never Forgave me for Blowing that deal,
But my love of chocolate And basketball flourished.
And i stand before You today, the president
Of the world's largest Producer of little Chocolate basketballs.
( Audience applauding )
So fuck you, dad.
You negative prick ! I blame you for My success !
All right, give It up for will.
Good blame, will.
Good blame !
All right, it's hour 56 Of the blame-a-thon,
And we're not Stopping till we have One million blames.
Remember, our phone Operators are standing by
With their thumbs Up their asses, Waiting for you to call.
So call.
All right, we're gonna Break up this begging With a little entertainment.
We're fuckin' lucky To have this next act, 'Cause he's good.
He just finished A 40-week tour, opening For ray fucking stevens !
Give it up for Fartin' gary !
( Audience applauding )
Hey, everybody, I'm fartin' gary !
And it's great To be here at this year's Blame-a-thon.
Um, you know, folks, I can do all kinds of farts.
I can do little Granny farts.
( Quiet farting )
Or great big, beer drinkin', Truck driver farts.
( Loud farting )
I can fart Like a turtle.
( Farting )
Or i can fart Like an astronaut !
( Broken farting )
Say, do you folks Like impressions ?
Wh--
Ok, here's john wayne At a party where He was honored
After receiving His "best actor" oscar For rooster cogburn.
( Airy farting )
( Audience laughing )
Oh, look, at The same party,
It's america's eternal Teenager, dick clark ! Hey, dick !
( Long farting )
So that's your secret.
( Audience laughing )
Ok, let's go say hello To some of the folks here
At the blame-a-thon.
Hi, sir. What's your name ?
Ben kather.
Ben kather, Don't you mean...
( Farting )
( Audience laughing )
Hi, ma'am, and what Do you do for a living ?
I go to school.
You go to school ? Don't you mean You go to...
( Farting )
...School ?
( Laughing )
Hi, sir. Where Are you from ?
L.A. Ha-ha, you mean more like...
( Farting )
( Audience laughing )
All right.
Ok, folks, we've Had a lot of fun,
But now i'd like To get a little serious If i could.
You know, there's a lot Of kids out there Who are hurting.
And this next Story is called "Give peace a chance."
One day, i went to The united nations Building.
( Farting )
And when i was there, I opened up a special door.
( Farting )
And, folks, Would you believe it ? There before me
Stood a delegate From every country In the whole planet.
It was amazing. It sounded just like this !
( Loud farting )
( Audience laughing )
Uh, that wasn't me.
( Loud farting )
Ma'am, ma'am, please. What are you doing here ?
I'm trying to do Something here.
Oh, sir, i'm sorry, That was me.
( Farting ) I'm sorry, You're wonderful.
Isn't he Wonderful, folks ?
( Audience applauding )
He's so funny.
Carry on, carry on.
Ok, i went to The u.N. Building, And the door--
( Farting )
Sir, please ! I have a wife and Family to feed.
I'm sorry, i had Chinese for dinner. Oh !
This is how--
( Farting ) Oh, god !
( Farting ) Oh.
Oh, i'm sorry, come back. I'm all done !
( Quiet farting )
* if at first you don't succeed *
* don't despair 'cause all you need *
* is a 2nd wind and it's blowing in *
* with a 2nd chance for love *
( Farting )
...In 1812. I hope that helps you with Your book report, carlisle.
Thanks, rudy.
( Audience applauding )
Rudy, you've Gotta help me.
What is it, Vaughanese ?
Well, my husband and i Got a 3-bean casserole From his boss's wife,
And we threw It away.
But they think we Ate it this afternoon,
And they're coming Over any minute now. Can you help us ?
Well, what Can i do ?
You can do an Impression of my Husband farting.
I'll try.
( Farting )
So, todd, you know We're considering you
For this big Promotion, right ?
Yes, sir.
Well...
What did you Think of my wife's Casserole ?
Uh, it was good.
Really ?
I don't hear You farting.
( Audience laughing )
What kind of Casserole was it ?
3-bean.
( Loud farting )
( All laughing )
( Farting )
( Laughing )
Come on, Stop talking--
Oh, superstar, Stop watching That crap !
But the funny man Was farting.
( Sighing )
You know, that Kind of garbage
Is what's ruining The youth of america.
Honey, you should Be watching our show.
Daddies, we don't Get cable.
You know, i Think somebody's Been spoiled.
I think somebody needs To tap until she learns Not to talk back
To daddy in Front of daddy.
Now, tap !
You tap stage, Motherfuckers !
Older superstar !
What the hell ?
Come here, Little me !
I think it's time For daddies to tap.
Start tapping !
( Laser firing )
Now, start The music !
Don't stop !
Bring the cast Out here !
Get them out here !
What should They do ?
Start tapping !
Tap !
Tap, dave !
Tap !
( Older superstar ) Tap, cindy !
Tap, martha !
( Laser firing )
( Laughing )
Tap !